Narcissists see things in black and white, with no room for gray. So, if you’ve had moments where you feel like they’ve hated you, you were probably right—if only for that moment. They see you as either all good or all bad, and the tides can change very quickly. This is called splitting, and it’s a defense mechanism. But nonetheless, the hatred is there, and it feels very real. So, we’re about to dig deeper into where it comes from, and spoiler alert: it has to do with the narcissist’s shadow.
My name is Lori, and I help people overcome the effects of narcissistic abuse and start living their best lives. Today, we’re doing that through the lens of Carl Jung’s model of the mind, and specifically the Shadow Self. So, what is the Shadow Self we’re talking about? Well, according to the Jungian model, the shadow is part of the mind that holds everything about ourselves we see as negative. There’s a lot more to it, but for the purposes of today, we can think of it kind of like a box where you tuck away all the parts of your personality you think are undesirable—so undesirable that you’ve repressed them, hoping they’ll just go away.
So why would anyone do something like this? Shame is a big part of the answer, and you’re probably starting to see why this is so relevant to narcissism, which is very much a shame-based disorder. We’re going to circle back to the narcissist’s Shadow Self in just a moment, but first, in order to understand the narcissist’s hatred and rage, let’s talk about how different you might be from the narcissist. You may have heard that narcissists send codependents or empaths, depending on how you want to look at it; our opposite sides to the same coin. You may have also heard it described as a spectrum, where extreme narcissism exists on one end and extreme codependency exists on the other. We see these two extremes as polar opposites, and for good reason.
One extreme has empathy in excess, and the other end has none. One values kindness and compassion, and the other sees these things as weaknesses. One will hurt themselves to avoid hurting others, and the other will hurt others to avoid hurting themselves. I think you get the picture. We are talking about a spectrum, so anyone can exist in varying degrees of each extreme. It’s not an all-or-nothing game.
All right, so now back to the shadow. If this is your first time hearing about Carl Jung’s model of the psyche or shadow work, you might be tempted to think that it’s only the narcissist that has a shadow and that they hate you because of this ugly, shame-based shadow. But only part of that is true. You see, it’s not just the narcissist that has a shadow; we all have a shadow side. But yes, the narcissist’s shadow is a big reason for their hatred, and there’s definitely more to this story that you really need to hear.
First, let’s flip the coin around and look at an example of how a personality trait might end up in the shadow of someone who might be codependent. Imagine a little girl who has a narcissistic parent. For some of you, you don’t have to imagine, but let’s just look at this imaginary scenario. The child is about four years old and enjoying an ice cream sundae when the narcissistic parent sitting next to her says, “Hey, can I have some?” The child says, “No.” So, instead of that parent using this as a teachable moment, that child was made to feel like there was really something wrong with her for being so selfish, that her behavior wasn’t normal and indicated a flaw in her character.
These things become very personal, and we end up carrying around shame for a lifetime, especially when they happen consistently. But there was nothing wrong with that little child; she was so young and still had a lot to learn about sharing. After all, it was her ice cream, right? Moments like these, especially when they happen consistently, are exactly how we end up disowning parts of ourselves and deeming them shameful. We send those parts off to the shadows and try our best to keep them there because we don’t want anyone to see our shame.
So, shame may have caused that child to put selfishness in her shadow. If she did, she’d probably grow up to become a people pleaser who values putting other people’s needs above her own because she was taught that this was a noble trait. People pleasing, and the fact that she had any desire whatsoever to put her wants and needs first, was deeply shameful. Let’s be real: we can bet that child would also struggle with setting boundaries because she was never allowed to have them for herself. What’s hers was also the narcissist’s.
But here’s something else we need to know about the things we put in the shadow because we’ve deemed them wrong and shameful—usually because that was what was put upon us. Nonetheless, we hate those parts of ourselves; we judge ourselves when we see even the slightest hint of a shadow aspect bubbling up, and we’re triggered when we see those same aspects in others. So, if that child put perceived selfishness in her shadow, she’s going to be very triggered when she meets someone who is the embodiment of selfishness in her adult life. Yes, I’m talking about the narcissist.
To bring this all full circle back to the narcissist’s rage, the same is true in reverse. Let’s flip that coin once again: the narcissist also gets triggered when they see their shadow aspects in other people. Here’s the kicker: the aspects in the narcissist’s shadow are very likely to be the things the codependent values most—things like kindness, compassion, empathy, and emotional connection. These things can and will be triggering to a narcissist, and the more vulnerable the narcissist happens to be in the moment, the more likely they are to rage out when they see you displaying these characteristics that they’ve deemed undesirable, unlovable, or shameful.
Remember, these were once parts of their own personality that they relegated to the shadow because, for whatever reason, they decided those parts of themselves were unacceptable, unlovable, and shameful. So, if the narcissist and the codependent are two sides of the same coin and both are dealing with shadow aspects, why does one hurt others and the other hurt themselves? The answer might seem obvious if we look at the things that each personality values. On one side, we have compassion, selflessness, and emotional connection. On the other side, we have self-importance, grandiosity, power, and control.
Looking even beyond that, the narcissist is juggling a whole other layer of shame that we haven’t even touched on yet. They know the thing they value most isn’t aligned with what we in society deem acceptable, good, or nice for the most part. So, they have a core level shadow that we all have, but it’s like an inverted version of what we might find in someone who’s codependent. Then, we have the narcissist’s sense of self that includes the things they value and that the world mostly deems wrong and bad.
On top of that, the narcissist wears a mask to hide that sense of self the world tells them is wrong and bad because, if they didn’t hide those things, no one would play along with them, and in most cases, they wouldn’t be able to maintain the sense of self that includes self-importance, grandiosity, power, and control.
So, let’s look at the question: Why does the narcissist hate you?
Well, the true answer is that it’s not you they hate; they’re juggling so many layers of shame that can be triggered at any moment. It’s really themselves that they hate, and so splitting—seeing you as all good or all bad—helps them maintain their very fragile sense of self. Because when your sense of self, your very definition of who you are, is built upon layers of shame, it’s always going to be a house of cards—a strong wind can blow it right over.
Listen, this might be a sad story, but none of this excuses bad behavior. You cannot save the narcissist, and more importantly, they do not want to be saved. Remember, they hate all of the things that you see as good—all the things that you want them to accept and embody—they hate those things as much as you hate their entitlement, exploitation, and selfishness. Actually, they probably hate it more.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you are not going to be the one to get the narcissist to see that they’re wrong. For those of you who are ready, there are so many lessons we can learn by flipping that shadow coin and taking a peek at our own side—at our own shadows. Like I said, we all have them. When you find out and address what your shadow might be hiding, you can start to heal from narcissistic abuse. I’m not saying it’s easy or it’s a quick fix, but I am saying it’s possible.
Read More: 10 Weird Behaviors of People Abused By Narcissists.
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