If you feel like the narcissist in your life always has the upper hand, there are two reasons for this. One, it’s because they know you very well, and they know exactly how to get you to operate and make decisions from an emotional state instead of from a logical state. And two, because, well, they’re not built like you and I. Every encounter, every situation is an opportunity for them to win, and they’re always looking to get the upper hand. Most people don’t operate that way, and so it can be difficult to understand somebody who does and to predict what they’re going to do.
But in this article, I’m going to share six ways that you can outsmart the narcissist in your life and stop being triggered. So, if you have a narcissist in your life that you can’t, or maybe are not ready to go into contact with at this point, this article is for you. This is when you have somebody who you know pretty well is a narcissist. They check all the boxes, and they’re constantly triggering you and making you feel bad about yourself. And hey, I’m with you; it’s not fair.
Once you figure out who this person is, you should be able to get away from the cycle of abuse, and that’s what we’re talking about here today. So, let’s dive into the six ways you can outsmart the narcissist in your life.
Number 1: Start saying no.
If you have a narcissist in your life, it’s not a given, but there’s a chance that you may struggle with people-pleasing, and that is saying yes to things when you really want to say no, when it’s not in your best interest. But you say yes just to keep the peace, or to keep the other person happy, or to make someone else like you. Now, if you have a narcissist in your life who is used to getting their way, when you start saying no to things, that is going to throw them off their game. They’re going to wonder what’s going on with you, and they might even say something like, “Wow, you’ve changed.” And you know what? Sometimes, change is a good thing.
So, with this one, we’re not necessarily being difficult just for the sake of being difficult, but definitely say no to things that are not in your best interest. To get practice, you may even want to start saying no to just the little things that you could do, things you don’t really care about, but just to send the message that you are not going to be a doormat for this person and you are not going to bend to their every whim. You are not there to support them, especially if all they’re doing is tearing you down.
Number 2: Call out their bad behavior for what it is.
The second thing you can do to outsmart a narcissist and definitely throw them off their game is to call out their bad behavior for what it is. This doesn’t necessarily mean being argumentative. You can very flat out call out what they’re doing and say, “That’s gaslighting; maybe we should step back from that line of conversation,” or “Hey, we’re calling names now; that’s a little bit childish, and that’s not productive, so maybe let’s not do that.”
Number 3: Become unpredictable.
The next thing you want to do, and this is really powerful to outsmart a narcissist, is to become unpredictable. The way the narcissist abuses and the way they always get the upper hand is because they know exactly how you’re going to react. They know if they say something or do something that is usually triggering to you, they’re going to expect that same kind of response. To be frank, they often throw things like that out into conversation, even if they’re irrelevant, when they want to throw you off your game.
For example, you’re talking about something—maybe you’re negotiating a custody agreement or something of that nature—and they want to get you on the defensive. They want to get you in an emotional state instead of a logical state. They might bring up an old argument from years ago or something that you always used to fight about. This thing might not even be relevant today, but they know that it’s an emotionally charged issue, and you are likely to have an emotional reaction.
So, if you want to outsmart the narcissist, understand that these things are going to happen. They’re going to come at you with these triggers; there’s nothing you can do about that. We can’t control another person or how they’re going to act, and you already know who this person is and what they’re all about. So, just be prepared for that and maybe be prepared with a very unpredictable reaction. Maybe if you had started yelling in the past, maybe you would find it funny; maybe it’s something that you laugh at, and you can genuinely laugh at it because it’s something that you can predict. You can predict a narcissist’s behavior very well, but laughing is just one example, and it’s not right for every situation, especially if you think it’s going to send this person over the edge, flying into a narcissistic rage—that is not what we want when we’re trying to outsmart the narcissist.
This is absolutely not about putting yourself in harm’s way, and of course, always, your personal safety is the number one priority. But I promise you that no matter how you react, and I’d highly suggest that you react in a way that feels somewhat natural to you, if you don’t give them the reaction that they’re after, that 100% will throw them off their game. Because, like I said, most of the time they are trying—they’re actively trying—to throw you off your game, even if it just seems like something that came up off the cuff. A lot of the time, it’s actually a strategy to get you thinking and acting emotionally, because when you’re in that emotional state, you are much easier to control.
Number 4: Take the emotional reactions out of everything.
The next tip I have for you is kind of related, but it’s more of an umbrella kind of thing, and that is to take the emotional reactions out of everything. Take the emotion really out of the conversation entirely. There are a lot of ways to do this. Gray rock is a strategy that a lot of people use successfully. It doesn’t work for everyone because gray rock can be a little bit more triggering to the narcissist in your life. Usually, what I recommend is going gray rock if you would otherwise just be screaming and fighting and just at each other’s throats.
But again, safety is the number one priority, so if you think that that strategy is going to set off the other person and you fear for your personal safety, really the best thing to do is not to have any personal strategy but to get a mediator to coordinate between you two, so you’re not ever face to face with this person.
Number 5: Show up as your best self.
The next tip I have for you is kind of fun, and it’s actually good for you. It’s about self-awareness. It’s about self-love and self-care, and this tip is to outshine the narcissist. Now, this is not about throwing things in their face; it’s not about saying, “I’m better than you.” All it really is, is showing up as your best self. That means in all of the days where you are not face to face with this person, or all of the times, the moments where you’re not face to face with this person, you’re preparing for those meetings by taking care of yourself and doing what you need to shine. Because that is always going to be 100% of the time the best revenge you can ever get against a narcissist: to actually be happy, thriving, and doing well.
So, when you come face to face with this person, and you’re just glowing and you’re happy and you’re fine, and you’re not triggered by them, that is absolutely going to throw them off their game. You’re probably going to notice them scrambling to try to get your attention, to try to get you into that emotional state again, because that’s the state where they can control you.
Number 6: Walk away.
The last tip I have for you is extremely helpful. If none of this seems to be working and you’re still uncomfortable, that tip is to walk away. Now, here it’s a good idea to really pay attention to what’s going on in your body, and if you feel like you’re about to be triggered, if you feel like you’re about to have that outburst, that emotional reaction, it’s a good time to bow out of the conversation. I want you to know that this doesn’t mean that you’re losing. Bowing out of the conversation doesn’t mean that none of the other stuff worked. Sometimes, when you successfully outsmart a narcissist, the claws come out, and it can get to you. So, if that happens, then it’s just time for you to take a break and come back to this conversation another time.
So, if you found these tips helpful, and if you are being triggered by a narcissist in your life, I have another article that I really think you’re going to want to read. In that article, I talk about reactive abuse—that’s when the narcissist gets you to react from that emotional state instead of staying in that logical place. So go ahead and read it.
Read More: What Happens When The Narcissist Loses Control Over You?
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