Psychological violence by malignant narcissists can include verbal and emotional abuse, toxic projection, stonewalling, sabotage, smear campaigns, triangulation, along with a plethora of other forms of coercion and control. This is imposed by someone who lacks empathy, demonstrates an excessive sense of entitlement, and engages in interpersonal exploitation to meet their own needs at the expense of the rights of others.
As a result of chronic abuse, victims may struggle with symptoms of PTSD, complex PTSD, if they’ve had additional traumas, like being abused by narcissistic parents or even what is known as narcissistic victim syndrome, or a more common term: narcissistic abuse.
Today, we’re going to go over the 10 signs that you might be going through narcissistic abuse.
Number 10: You disassociate as a means of survival.
You feel emotionally or even physically detached from your environment, experiencing disruptions in your memory, perceptions, consciousness, and a sense of self. As Dr. Van der Kolk writes in his book The Body Keeps the Score, dissociation is the essence of trauma. The overwhelming experience is split off and fragmented so that the emotions, sounds, images, thoughts, and physical sensations take on a life of their own. Dissociation can lead to emotional numbing in the face of horrific circumstances. Mind-numbing activities, obsessions, addictions, and repression may become a way of life because they give you an escape from your current reality. Your brain finds ways to emotionally block out the impact of your pain so that you do not have to deal with the full terror of your circumstances.
Number 9: You walk on eggshells.
A common symptom of trauma is avoiding anything that represents reliving the trauma, whether it be people, places, or activities that pose that threat. Whether it be your friend, your partner, your family member, co-worker, or boss, you find yourself constantly watching what you say or do around this person lest you incur their wrath, punishment, or become the object of their envy. However, you find that this does not work, and you still become the abuser’s target whenever he or she feels entitled to use you as an emotional punching bag. You may also extend your people-pleasing behavior outside of the abusive relationship, losing your ability to be spontaneous or assertive while navigating the outside world, especially with people who resemble or are associated with your abuser and the abuse.
Number 8: You sacrifice a lot.
You may have been once full of life, goal-driven, and dream-oriented. Now, you feel as if you are living just to fulfill the needs and agendas of another person. Once, the narcissist’s entire life seemed to revolve around you, and now your entire life revolves around them. You may have placed your goals, hobbies, friendships, and personal safety on the back burner just to ensure that your abuser feels satisfied in the relationship. Of course, you soon realize that he or she will never truly be satisfied, regardless of what you do or don’t do.
Number 7: You struggle with health issues because of your abuse.
You may have gained or lost a significant amount of weight, developed serious health issues that did not exist prior, and experienced physical symptoms of premature aging. The stress of chronic abuse has sent your cortisol levels into overdrive, and your immune system has taken a severe hit, leaving you vulnerable to physical ailments and disease. You find yourself unable to sleep or experiencing terrifying nightmares when you do, reliving the trauma through emotional or visual flashbacks that bring back memories of previous wounds.
Number 6: You started to lose your sense of trust.
Every person now represents a threat, and you find yourself becoming anxious about the intentions of others, especially having experienced the malicious actions of someone you once trusted. Your usual caution becomes hyper-vigilance, since the narcissistic abuser has worked hard enough to gaslight you into believing that your experiences are invalid. You have a hard time trusting anyone, including yourself.
Number 5: Suicide or self-harm tendencies.
Depression and anxiety may come due to an increased sense of hopelessness. Your circumstances feel unbearable, as if you cannot escape even if you wanted to. You develop a sense of learned helplessness that makes you feel as if you don’t wish to survive another day. You may even engage in self-harm as a way to cope. As Dr. McKeon, Chief of the Suicide Prevention Branch, notes, victims of intimate partner violence are twice as likely to attempt suicide multiple times. This is the way abusers essentially commit murder without a trace.
Number 4: You self-isolate.
Many abusers isolate their victims, but victims also isolate themselves because they feel ashamed about the abuse they’re experiencing. Given the victim-blaming and the misconceptions about emotional and psychological violence in society, victims may be even re-traumatized by law enforcement, family members, friends, and the harem of members of the narcissist who might invalidate their perceptions of the abuse. They fear no one will understand or believe them, so instead of reaching out for help, they decide to withdraw from others as a way to avoid judgment and retaliation from their abuser.
Number 3: You blame yourself for everything you’re going through.
A narcissistic abuser is highly skilled at manufacturing love triangles or bringing another person into the dynamic of the relationship to further terrorize the victim. As a result, victims of narcissistic abuse internalize the fear that they are not enough and may constantly strive to compete for the abuser’s attention and approval. Victims may also compare themselves to others in happier, healthier relationships or find themselves wondering why their abuser appears to treat complete strangers with more respect. This can send them down the trapdoor of wondering, “Why me?” and stuck in an abyss of self-blame. The truth is, the abuser is the person who should be blamed. You are in no way responsible for being abused.
Number 2: You start to self-sabotage.
Victims often find themselves ruminating over the abuse and hearing the abuser’s voice in their minds, amplifying their negative self-talk and tendency towards self-sabotage. Malignant narcissists program and condition their victims to self-destruct, sometimes even to the point of driving them to suicide. Due to the narcissist’s covert and overt put-downs, verbal abuse, and hypercriticism, victims develop a tendency to punish themselves because they carry such toxic shame. They may sabotage their goals, dreams, and academic pursuits. The abuser has instilled in them a sense of worthlessness, and they begin to believe that they are undeserving of good things.
Number 1: You protect your abuser.
Rationalizing, minimizing, and denying the abuse are often survival mechanisms for victims in an abusive relationship. In order to reduce the cognitive dissonance that erupts when the person who claims to love you mistreats you, victims of abuse convince themselves that the abuser is really not all that bad or that they must have done something to provoke the abuse. It is important to reduce this cognitive dissonance in the other direction by reading up on the narcissistic personality and abuse tactics. This way, you are able to reconcile your current reality with the narcissist’s false self by recognizing that the abusive personality—not the charming facade—is their true self.
If you’re currently in an abusive relationship of any kind, know that you are not alone, even if you feel like you are. There are millions of survivors all over the world who have experienced something similar to what you have. This form of psychological torment is not exclusive to any gender, culture, social class, or religion. The first step is becoming aware of the reality of your situation and validating it, even if your abuser attempts to gaslight you into believing otherwise.
Read More: 10 Toxic Things Narcissistic Parents Say To Their Children.
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