Picture this: you’re at a crossroads. On one side, there’s the option to stay in a relationship that you’ve poured years into, and on the other, the super scary unknown of leaving and starting over. This is not an easy choice; it’s one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make. And when you have children, the stakes are even higher.
I never thought I’d be a woman who loved her husband, got a divorce, and built a new life. But I am, and I did. I want to share with you what I learned. You might be a little afraid of what I’m about to say, thinking that if there’s definitive proof that your relationship is over, that means you have to actually end it. That’s just not true. The first step is knowing, and I think you need to actually live with the knowing for a while before you take action.
In fact, the advice I give my clients—I’ll start by giving you the same advice I give them—is to stay as long as you can. This type of decision shouldn’t be rushed; it’s complicated and difficult, and you do not want to be in the position of looking back, especially if you have kids, thinking, “Oh, if I had just done X, Y, or Z, maybe it could have worked out.”
I lingered at my own crossroads for years, spent 17 years with him, and there was never a day where I didn’t wonder whether I should leave, when I should leave, or how I would ever possibly know when to leave. I was trapped in a cycle of questioning, of doubting myself, thinking that if I just tried a little bit harder—if I invested just a little bit more—I could make it work. I worried that I was just not able to be happy, or that maybe all relationships felt like this.
At first, I thought maybe it was a him problem. If he was just more available, or wanted to spend more time together, or financially contributed more, or played more fun things, then maybe we’d be okay. Then I moved into thinking it was a me problem. So I really tried hard to work on my thinking and tried to be positive. I coped with my sense of creeping despair by shopping, drinking, and seeking attention outside my marriage. I searched for answers, but no book, no therapy session, and certainly no amount of self-doubt could ever give me a simple answer.
Yet every relationship book I read, every therapist I talked to, and every class I took always hinted at some magical moment of clarity—a sign, an epiphany. They kept saying, “You’ll just know when you know,” and that wasn’t helpful at all.
Now, many years later—and happily remarried—it’s clear to me that sometimes you won’t just know. I didn’t even know what to look for at the time. It wasn’t like I had this solid baseline of a good, loving relationship to contrast my marriage against. I came from an abusive childhood and went straight into what I thought, at least, was a good-ish relationship. Basically, I didn’t know what I didn’t know, and maybe you’re in the same boat. If that’s you, let me assure you that there is a way to get clear on what’s best for you, even if you’ve never had a healthy relationship to compare things to.
Let me share with you three steps that finally gave me clarity. These steps aren’t about a magical aha moment, but they do provide a roadmap for what you should do next in your relationship.
How to know when to end a relationship: Step One.
Step one is to accept your partner fully. Stop trying to change them. This means that you stop judging, criticizing, and wishing they were different. You stop hoping that they become a better version of who they are, and you stop trying to change them to fit your idea of who they should be. You stop fantasizing about who they could become and instead surrender to this idea: who they have been is who they will be. This doesn’t mean that you have to condone their behavior or that you even have to like their behavior. It simply means that you come to a place where you stop imagining a different future and accept reality as is.
If you haven’t accepted them fully, it’s extremely difficult to decide whether or not to stay in the relationship because you’re not in a relationship with them; you’re in a relationship with your idea of who you think they could be.
How to know when to break up: Step Two.
Step two: show up fully. Stop trying to change yourself. This means that you have to get to know yourself, and then you have to share who you really are with that person. It means you need to know yourself well enough to know who you are, what you love, and what you want—in small ways and in huge ways. It means that you need to be living life as yourself. You need to know your own opinions, your likes, your dislikes, your personality quirks, your strengths, and your weaknesses. It means you need to show up a hundred percent as you—the fully alive, fully engaged you—and not trying to people-please or second-guess, not becoming this edited and curated shape-shifter version of yourself.
If you haven’t done this step, it’s almost impossible to decide whether or not to stay in a relationship because the real you isn’t in a relationship with them; a pretend you is in the relationship with them, and that never works.
How to know when you need to leave: Step Three.
Step three: you match or you don’t. So when you fully accept them for who they really are, and you fully show up as yourself without any editing or filters, it becomes evident that you’re either a match or you’re not. Watch for feedback: are you on the same page or not? Are you accepted for yourself or not? Once you’ve done the first two steps, you’ll find out where the relationship really stands. You’re either in alignment or you’re not, and it means they get to either meet you as is, try to change you back—yuck—or they bounce—ouch.
This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to banish them from your life; this just means that you live with this information as long as you can while you decide whether or not this is the life you want to continue living.
In my personal story, once I accepted him as he was, my next step was to start showing up as myself. The feedback I got was pretty clear: I got belittling, teasing, and sarcasm. Once I saw him clearly and myself clearly, it became obvious that we weren’t a match. I wanted a loving relationship, and he didn’t. But that’s not when or why I left. I lived with that knowledge for a full year before I finally left. That final step came because I realized that he wasn’t just hurting me; he was hurting our daughter. And that’s what finally gave me the courage to do what had to be done.
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