Are you struggling to leave a toxic relationship? Perhaps you’re holding on to the hope that your partner will change for the better. After all, we’ve all been told that love is supposed to be beautiful and fulfilling. But for you, it seems it’s more of a dangerous cycle of pain and confusion. If that sounds familiar, here’s the hard truth: it may not be love that you’re feeling. Rather, it may be trauma bonding that’s keeping you trapped in that relationship.
In this article, we’ll explain the stages of trauma bonding so you can finally break free of that unhealthy connection you have. So, if you’re feeling stuck in a toxic relationship, make sure to keep reading. It’s time for you to finally gain the freedom you deserve. But first, let’s get some insight into what trauma bonding is.
A trauma bond can feel like love, but it’s really a deep emotional attachment to someone who’s hurt you. It’s fueled by a cycle of intense highs and lows, leaving you constantly seeking their approval and validation. Even though it’s harmful, breaking free from a trauma bond feels almost impossible because the dynamics in such a toxic relationship can be addictive.
So, how does trauma bonding develop?
Number 1: The love bombing stage.
Think about those butterflies you get when you’re around them. The late-night phone calls and the secret little smiles you share. It almost feels like you’re starring in a romantic movie, right? But here’s the thing: just like in the movies, sometimes there’s a twist. In this case, all those may be a sign that it’s the start of the trauma bond. The truth is that it can be hard to tell the difference between real love and a trauma bond. In both cases, the connection might feel so intense, almost electric. After all, they shower you with affection, attention, gifts, and compliments, making it feel like nothing could ever break your bond.
But if it’s happening way too quickly, this stage isn’t about courting you. Rather, it’s actually called “love bombing.” Love bombing is when someone moves way too fast, too soon. They go all out with over-the-top displays of love and admiration, from grand gestures to constant praise—you name it. And all that happens in a short amount of time. But don’t let it fool you; it’s not about love. Rather, it’s about control.
Number 2: The devaluing stage.
You now know that a trauma bond usually starts with moments that feel amazing. We’re talking about intense love, displays of kindness, and a deep connection. But the reality is those highs don’t last. They’re soon followed by cruelty, neglect, or even outright hostility. At first, during the love-bombing phase, you feel like you’re wrapped in all this overwhelming affection from them. Then, out of nowhere, things change. They grow cold, distant, and even harsh. Suddenly, they seem constantly irritated and start nitpicking every little thing.
And just when you feel like they’ve completely changed, they show glimmers of who they were when they were love-bombing you. This rollercoaster of emotions keeps you hooked. You start focusing on those rare moments of kindness, hoping they’ll come back. And that hope is exactly how they keep you tied to them.
Number 3: The isolation stage.
When it comes to a relationship involving trauma bonding, toxic partners have a way of pulling you away from the important people in your life. This is because they want you to rely on them emotionally, which only makes the trauma bond stronger. How? For instance, they might tell you to start spending less time with your friends and family. And before you know it, it feels like they’re the only person left in your corner.
Number 4: The hoovering stage.
Trauma bonding can get really tricky, especially because of those moments when things seem to get better. This is when the toxic partner suddenly shifts gears by being sweet and apologizing. They might even promise you that they’ve changed or swear this time will be different. All that then makes you feel like maybe, just maybe, things are finally improving. But you have to be careful. These actions are characteristic of the stage that’s often what’s called the “hoovering” stage. Named after the vacuum brand, it’s the stage wherein the abuser tries to suck you back into the connection with them.
Unfortunately, it’s usually not about real remorse. By making false promises and playing on your hopes, they pull you right back into the trauma bonding cycle. It’s more of a calculated move that’s designed to keep you stuck.
Number 5: The cognitive dissonance stage.
Ever feel like your heart and mind are at war? Your heart’s all in, but your brain’s yelling, “What the heck are you doing?” That tug-of-war is what we call cognitive dissonance, and it’s a big part of trauma bonding. But in this kind of situation, here’s how it often plays out: you keep making excuses for the other person’s bad behavior that’s causing issues in the relationship. At the same time, you start blaming yourself for everything wrong in the relationship. You tell yourself their actions are okay because it’s what you do for someone you love, right? Not really. And let’s be real: the issues in your relationship are more than likely not your fault. You’ve just developed the habit of self-blame as a result of cognitive dissonance.
Number 6: The breaking free stage.
When you’re stuck in a trauma bond, the fear of being abandoned can feel completely overwhelming, to the point that it’s holding you back from moving forward. But if you don’t lose hope, eventually, you’ll have that moment of clarity where you realize you deserve so much better. And that’s where leaving the toxic relationship behind all begins. Here’s the thing: facing that fear of abandonment isn’t easy. Honestly, it might feel like the hardest thing you’ve ever done. But it’s also the first step toward self-love and taking back your power.
After all, breaking free from the trauma bond means recognizing the toxic patterns, leaning on others for support, and finding the courage to walk away. This stage is tough, no doubt about it. But you must tell yourself that every step forward is growth. And if you keep taking that step forward, you’ll soon reach the next stage.
Number 7: The healing stage.
When you reach the healing of a trauma bond, you’ll notice that it is much like the calm after the storm. Because after experiencing so much turmoil brought about by your toxic partner, you’ve now reached the time for you to rediscover yourself, rebuild your self-esteem, and reclaim the parts of you that were lost. This healing stage is a journey of understanding that your worth is not defined by someone else’s opinions or actions.
Our advice? Surround yourself with love, positivity, and all the things that bring you true joy. But don’t pressure yourself to get over that toxic relationship as soon as possible. Take it one step at a time. Why? See, moving forward from a trauma bond doesn’t have to be swift to be meaningful. Each small victory, each moment of peace, adds up in ways you may not yet see. And sometimes, rushing yourself to get over a toxic partner can cause you more harm than good.
We know that getting to the healing may feel like an uphill battle right now. But tell yourself that it really takes time to heal from what you’ve endured. And with patience, self-compassion, and time, it’s much more achievable than you thought. While trauma bonding often happens in romantic relationships, know that it can also happen with family and friends. Also, being part of a trauma bond is not a sign of weakness. Rather, it’s a result of manipulation and control from the toxic partner. You just ended up the unfortunate victim.
Read More: 10 Signs You’re Dealing With Narcissistic Abuse.
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