A narcissist has to keep you in the dark dungeons of their control. They have to keep you in an absolute state of powerlessness and worthlessness to feel better about themselves. It is their heart’s desire to always see you suffering the way they left you, to reinforce their delusional belief in omnipotence. But when you rise from your ashes like a phoenix does, and become the opposite of who they want you to be, it breaks their heart.
There are certain things that you can do, things that you can change in yourself, in your thinking, and in your feelings to prove them wrong and show them that you do not belong to the darkness they left you in.
In this article, I’ll share five ways to break a narcissist’s heart and prove them wrong. Let’s get started.
#1. Change the way you see yourself.
A narcissist wants you to feel like you’re never good enough. They might put you down by saying you’re too fat, too thin, too emotional, too closed-off—basically, they’ll always find something to criticize. They’ll try to convince you that you’re not attractive enough or that no one else will ever love you. They do this to make you doubt yourself so much that you won’t leave them.
But this is all part of their plan to keep you under their control. That’s why it’s so important to do the opposite: accept yourself completely, just as you are. Believe that you are valuable and worthy. Be kind and understanding toward yourself. When you trust yourself and know your worth, it becomes harder for anyone to mess with your emotions or make you question who you are.
You need to heal from the damage and undo the negative beliefs your parents (or others) put in your mind. You have to learn to see your value through your own eyes—not through how others judge or treat you. You have to become your own support system, your own safe place. Be the caring, loving parent you may not have had. Give yourself the love you’ve always wanted from others.
When you know and accept yourself deeply, no one else gets to tell you who you are or make you feel small. That’s real strength.
#2. Develop thick skin.
If a narcissist is trying to get close to you or pull you into a relationship, they’ll do whatever it takes to get your attention. Sometimes they’ll shower you with compliments and say all the right things to win you over. Other times, they’ll do the opposite—they’ll put you down and make you feel bad about yourself so that you start trying to earn their approval. This makes you afraid of being rejected or abandoned, and that fear can keep you stuck, doing whatever you can to feel “good enough.”
That’s why it’s so important to work on your fear of abandonment and your habit of people-pleasing. If you don’t, people—especially narcissists—can easily trigger those wounds and trap you in a cycle of always trying to prove your worth.
The best thing you can do is grow stronger emotionally. Know who you are and stand your ground. If you let a narcissist’s mean words or manipulation get to you, you’re giving them power. But here’s the truth: when a narcissist says something bad about you, they’re often just revealing things about themselves. They’re putting their own issues onto you because they don’t want to deal with them. Just because they deny it doesn’t mean it isn’t true—it’s still part of them, even if they hide from it.
To cope, they throw all their problems onto you and try to make it seem like you’re the one with the flaws. It’s not the truth—it’s their way of escaping reality. So it’s important to recognize this and not take anything they say personally. Don’t let their words define you.
The most powerful thing you can do is build your self-worth. When you know your value, when you believe in yourself, and when you feel confident in who you are, no one can shake you. No one can point out flaws and make you feel small.
Work on those insecurities. Get solid in who you are and what you stand for. That’s how you protect yourself and stay free.
#3. Stay calm and hold your ground when they try to upset you.
Narcissists need attention from others to feel good about themselves. It doesn’t matter if the attention is positive or negative. They just want a reaction—whether you’re angry, upset, apologizing, laughing, or doing nice things for them. As long as you react in some way, they feel like they’re in control. That’s how they get what’s called “supply,” and that’s what you need to stop giving them.
It’s really important to manage your emotions when you’re around a narcissist. Your reactions are what keep them going. If they know they can upset you or make you feel guilty, they’ll keep doing it. But if you stay calm and don’t react, they start to lose power over you.
The best way to deal with them is to stay in control of how you feel. Notice your emotions, but don’t act on them right away. Practice staying calm, even when they try to push your buttons. The more you do this, the stronger you become—and the less control they have.
If you know what you’re feeling, they won’t be able to tell you how to feel. Stay as neutral as you can. That’s how you protect yourself and take your power back.
#4. The blame lies with them.
Narcissists love to blame others for everything, but none of this is your fault. No matter what they say, nothing you did caused their harmful behavior. You didn’t make them treat you badly.
You might think, “I should have seen the red flags,” or “I should have left sooner,” or “Why didn’t I believe them when they showed their worst side?” But when you’re in the middle of the situation, it’s hard to see clearly. You don’t have the space, support, or knowledge you have now. Back then, you were just trying to survive.
Now that you’re out of it, you can look back and understand more. But at the time, you did the best you could with what you knew. When we’re close to someone—especially someone we love deeply, like a partner or a parent—we often hold on to hope. We try to believe in the good parts of them, even when the bad parts hurt us. That’s normal.
So please, don’t blame yourself. Self-blame won’t help you heal. The truth is, they chose to lie, manipulate, and hurt you to feel powerful. That’s on them, not you.
Whenever you start to doubt yourself, remind yourself of this: “I did the best I could at the time. I tried to make things work. I can’t control someone else’s actions. I am not who they say I am.”
Be kind to yourself. The things they accused you of were really just reflections of who they are. What they saw in you was their own brokenness, not your truth.
#5. Set strong boundaries and stick to them.
If you don’t have strong boundaries, you’ll be an easy target for a narcissist. Narcissists want people who let them take control, people who can’t say “no.” They like to be with someone who lets them make all the decisions, because it gives them power.
If you can’t completely cut them out of your life—like if you’re co-parenting, going through a legal process, or dealing with them in another way—then setting clear, firm boundaries is a must. You can’t leave any gray areas. If you do, the narcissist will try to find a way in. They’ll think, “Maybe I still have some control here.”
So your boundaries need to be clear and solid. No mixed messages. It’s not, “You can visit sometimes.” It has to be, “No, you can’t visit,” or “You can only visit under these conditions.” You need to be firm and direct. That’s the only thing they understand.
Narcissists will try to push your limits. They might try to tell you what to do, who you can talk to, or how to live your life. That’s why your boundaries need to be backed up. Let them know what’s okay and what’s not—and stick to it.
Also, get outside help when you can. If you’re co-parenting, get legal agreements in place so they can’t break the rules without consequences. Don’t just say what your boundaries are—make sure there are clear results if they cross the line.
You have to be confident and strong when setting these limits. Stand your ground, and don’t give them any room to take advantage of you.
Read More: 4 Things Narcissists Never Get Over.
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