In order for a narcissist to win, they have to be able to manipulate you. And if you’re easily triggered, you are easily manipulated. But if you’re here, I’m gonna guess you are about tired of it, so come along with me as I talk through 11 ways that you can beat the narcissist at their own game. And don’t worry, you don’t have to sell your soul to do it.
So now, let’s talk through 11 ways to beat the narcissist at their own game.
#1: Identify the manipulation tactics.
Now, if you’ve been around here for a while and you’ve read a bunch of articles, you know all the tactics, and you probably have had the experience, like I have, where you can see them playing out in real time. You can identify exactly when somebody is gaslighting you, when they’re triangulating you, or when they’re trying to lay on a guilt trip.
If you’re not quite there yet and you can’t identify all the manipulation tactics as they’re happening, don’t worry. Read this: 9 Tactics a Narcissist Uses to Break You.
#2: Practice responding without reacting.
The next thing you’re going to want to do to beat the narcissist at their own game is to practice responding without reacting. I’m going to repeat this line because it’s really important: when you are easily triggered, you are easily manipulated. When you feel yourself getting triggered, do whatever you can to snap yourself back into the present moment. Because when you’re triggered, what they’re doing is they’re pushing your emotional buttons, and emotionally and also physically, you’re going back in time to whatever pain point that was that they’re touching on. And you feel it; you feel all those old emotions bubbling up—whether it’s anger or fear, maybe it’s shame or sadness—but it’s all bubbling back up, and the narcissist has you leaving the present moment and going to a moment that was not so fun. Don’t let them do it.
So whenever you feel something like this happening, whenever you feel yourself getting triggered, remind yourself that it’s manipulation and try to bring yourself back into the present moment. You can do that by having a rubber band that you snap around your wrist, you can pinch yourself, or you can use mindfulness if that is a strength for you. It’s okay to take a minute to take a breath before you respond to somebody, no matter who it is.
So when you bring yourself back into the present moment, you’re being more mindful, and you’re reminding yourself mentally, physically, and emotionally that you are here and you are safe. And so you don’t need to fly off the handle, you don’t need to start yelling or raging out, you don’t need to retreat. You are here and you are safe, and so you can respond accordingly. Now, of course, if you don’t feel that sense of safety, it is also okay to exit the conversation.
#3: Question instead of defend against their false narratives.
You’re not going to take their judgments at face value and respond as though they’re true. Because that’s what we’re doing when we’re defending ourselves: we’re responding as if what that person is saying has some weight, but oftentimes it doesn’t. And when you get into that defensive mode, you’re just making yourself look guiltier. The more you defend yourself, the more you’re digging yourself deeper into that hole, and that’s exactly where they want you.
So just get into the habit of asking questions like, “Hmm, where would you get that idea?” or “Why would anyone think that? That’s confusing to me; can you explain?” And whenever you’re feeling like it’s time for you to jump up and defend yourself, it’s a good sign that you should just sit back and maybe get curious instead. Let them do the talking because when they don’t have a leg to stand on, it’s going to become very obvious very quickly.
#4: Question their assumptions.
When somebody’s trying to manipulate you, they will often throw in things that are truly assumptions and make them seem like they’re facts. Something like “Everyone is doing this,” “Everyone thinks this,” or “No one likes you,” or “You’re not going to want to miss out on this opportunity”—those are all assumptions that they present as facts. So whenever you hear something like this, just get in the habit of questioning it.
If they say everyone believes something or does something, you might ask a question like, “Well, who specifically? Can you give me some examples?” Or if they say no one does this or believes this or no one likes you, you can easily question that by using a tactic that narcissists love to use, and that’s by honing in on something and really picking it apart. So, “No one? That’s interesting. How could you possibly know what every person in the world is thinking?”
And of course, with any type of manipulation, if you can identify it and you have the option not to respond, just let it land and sit in the uncomfortable silence. That is always a good choice. But depending on the relationship, you may need to respond, and you may feel the need to defend yourself in some way. This is where tactics like this can be really powerful because when you start picking apart their argument, that’s when they have to start defending themselves and explaining themselves, and that’s always a better position to be in than you sitting there and defending yourself or explaining yourself.
#5: Keep written records.
Keep a journal of these conversations that you have with this person, especially if they have a tendency to rewrite history. You might be tempted to record conversations too, but consent laws vary, so you definitely want to check into that before you start recording someone else. But keeping some sort of records can help you have a grasp on what is real and true, so you can walk into any conversation with confidence, and you can spell the manipulation as it’s happening.
#6: Deflect blame.
It’s a little bit like blame-shifting, but again, I said we weren’t selling our soul; we’re not becoming the narcissist, but we might be borrowing a little bit from the playbook. We’re not going to get into the blame game, but you can get into the practice of deflecting blame. Right? You put up your shield and just say, “I don’t accept that,” and let that land. You don’t have to explain yourself; you don’t have to defend yourself just because they’re accusing you of something. You can say something like, “I understand that you feel that way, but I have a completely different perspective.”
#7: Why is this so important to you?
Another thing you can do to beat a narcissist at their own game is to practice saying something like, “Why is this so important to you?” Now, when a narcissist finds something that’s triggering to you, it’s kind of like a dog with a bone. They will just keep going at it, and as strong as you might be, the more they go at something like that, the greater the chance that you’re going to break down and you’re going to give in. You’re going to give that emotional reaction that they can use to manipulate you. So when they keep going back to a topic and you know that they’re just trying to get to you, they’re really just trying to push your buttons, practice saying something like, “Why is this so important to you? Why do you keep bringing this up? Or why are you even concerned with that?”
#8: Practice confidence.
The next thing you can do is practice confidence, even if you don’t feel it. Body language is super important, and the way you present yourself is extremely important as well. So be very mindful when you’re having conversations with a narcissist of your posture and your body language. Make sure that you’re standing up straight and tall; make sure that you’re projecting your voice; and remind yourself that you have nothing to hide and you have nothing to be ashamed of. So you can have this conversation with confidence.
And yes, a narcissist will respond by trying to knock you down. They may try harder to knock you down because you are showing confidence, and maybe they haven’t seen that side of you before. But just take this as a sign that it’s working, that your confidence is bothering them, and it may even be shaking their confidence in being able to get to you.
#9: Leveraging third-party perspective.
You don’t necessarily have to use third parties to knock the other person down as they would do to you, but you can use third-party evidence to build yourself up. Just as they will tell you nobody likes you or everybody thinks this way about you, you can come prepared with all the evidence that what they’re saying is not true and leverage that third-party perspective to let the narcissist know that you are not alone and that you actually do have people who support you.
#10: Practicing selective disclosure.
You do not have to tell the narcissist everything; you probably don’t have to tell them anything. Or maybe you do—maybe there are some things you have to talk about. For example, if it’s your boss, then there are going to be things that you have to talk about. If you’re co-parenting with this person, you’re going to have to talk about parenting choices. But that doesn’t give that person a foot in the door to learn everything about you or to ask intrusive questions. And they might, but just remember that you don’t have to answer them.
So when a narcissist uses this kind of tactic, it’s usually what we call lies of omission. They’re omitting something that is really important for you to know, for example, they’re cheating on you, or if they’ve lost all your money. But a narcissist is also pretty good at making you feel like you have to disclose everything, and the truth is, you don’t. You get to decide what other people know about you, and there is a line—there should be a very firm line—between where you end and where this person begins. Even if you’re in a relationship together, you are not the same person, so they don’t need access to every single detail about your life.
#11: Use the silent treatment.
Not necessarily in the way that they do, but remember that it is okay not to have an answer for everything. It’s okay to use silence. Oftentimes, manipulative people will use long pauses to get you to feel like you have to start talking, and this is when you might disclose things about yourself that you regret later, or these may be the moments where you give the other person the upper hand, and again, you end up kicking yourself later. But remember that you can also use silence. As long as you can get yourself comfortable enough to do it, you can use those long pauses to get the other person to speak. Get comfortable with that uncomfortable silence, because at the very least, if you’re comfortable with that uncomfortable silence, when they try to use this tactic on you, you’re not gonna fall for it.
And if you’ve got a narcissist like this in your life, you’re probably wondering why they hate you so much. What is it that you could have possibly done to this person to cause the reaction, to lead to the manipulations, and for them to want to get revenge against you? The good news is it’s not so much about you.
Read More: 5 Ways To Break a Narcissist’s Heart.
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